have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
