Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
