he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
