Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
