you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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