Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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