I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
