um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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