I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't put those talents on a resume
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
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