Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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