And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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