Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
