Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
