hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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