Fine. I'll sleep in my office
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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