I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize