The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
