I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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