she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
