I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
