There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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