There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize