I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
