we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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