You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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