Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
