theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
