My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
