Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
