So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
