Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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