Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
