Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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