I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
