I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I love having hate sex.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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