apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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