tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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