ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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