fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
