i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
