ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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