You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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