im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
