i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The air taste purple.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
