I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
