Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
