Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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