i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
