I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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