she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
