Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
