just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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