I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
