dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
