Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
