Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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