Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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