....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
