If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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